note to self

1. You can't argue with how someone feels about a situation. It's a feeling, not a rational thing.
2. Approval does not equal support. And I don't need people to approve of my decisions, I just need their support.

I learned these things by quitting my book club last night. That's because at our last meeting, I felt judged. And it's an awful feeling. It didn't go as smoothly as I hoped, but I did learn several things about myself precisely because it didn't go smoothly. And now, I'm so calm that it's almost weird.

At the end of the night, I told everyone that I wouldn't be back due to time constraints (I'm only giving my time to things that are supportive) and that I didn't feel supported in this group because I had felt judged at the last meeting. Everyone else seemed cool about it, but one person just couldn't leave it alone. I was annoyed because the person questioned me (in public) about why I felt the way I did -- which made me feel like the only way for me to refute her was to get specific about who said what and be mean to people still in the room. And I wasn't interested in doing that. Then, she disagreed with my feelings. It was good to experience, because I think I finally know how Eric must have felt when I tried to rationalize a situation that he had strong feelings about. I learned that you can't argue with how someone feels about a situation.

I got the sense that she just didn't understand why I felt judged (she did admit that it was possible, but said that she hadn't intervened because she didn't hear anything that was objectionable). She then went on to say that she and "everyone familiar with the situation agree with [my] decision to get divorced." At that point, and I told her I didn't care whether people agreed with me -- I made the decision for myself, not for others. And then I told her that I don't need people to approve of my decision, I just need their support. She tried to drive her point home again and I realize that that must have been so awful for Eric to deal with from me for years. A lightbulb went on as I realized that she is coming at it from the perspective that if she agrees with something, then that means she's supporting the person.

What's that quote? "If I can't be a good example, let me serve as a horrible warning." That's me -- and the other person. But it makes me just that much less interested in having her in my life. She is a very generous person, but the bottom line is that not everything is about her and I'm tired of how selfish that perspective is. And I am being honest when I say that the things I can't stand about her are the things I despise in myself.